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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
 Posted - 01 Mar 2010 : 19:38:36
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| Wow! Just took a look back to when we got this jokes topic started....and it will be 3 years ago in August!!! Time definately speeds up as you get older!! |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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John
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
499 Posts |
Posted - 01 Mar 2010 : 20:20:21
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This is way off topic (sorry Neil) as it's not a joke but just to reply to Cardodgers last point....
Some time ago I heard an interesting theory about time passing more quickly as you get older...
When you are 5 years old then one Xmas to the next (ie. one year) is one fifth or 20% of your whole life. Therefore it is a huge portion of your time.
However... when you are 50 years old then one year is only one 50th or 2% of your existance. And that's why it appears to go much faster. Interesting theory eh. |
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Fighter Pilot
New Member
United Kingdom
2 Posts |
Posted - 03 Mar 2010 : 19:55:32
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A politician is in bed asleep with his wife when there's a massive storm and a bolt of lightning lights up the entire bedroom. The politician leaps up and shouts, "i'll buy the negatives! i'll buy the negatives!".
For every action, there is an equal and opposite goverment programme.
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compost
Advanced Member
265 Posts |
Posted - 06 Mar 2010 : 20:02:33
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| Trouble at the world gurning championships today, police were called when things turned ugly.. |
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 10 Mar 2010 : 13:39:13
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Spotted this one in this month's Angmering Baptist Church Magazine:
Sign of the times
My 10 year old niece says her prayers every night and instead of "amen" says "click, send" |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 13 Mar 2010 : 23:59:36
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MONTANA DOG STORY !!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff !!
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2010 : 13:49:43
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English Signs from Around the World
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2010 : 14:26:02
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FINANCIAL PLANNING !
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 07 Apr 2010 : 18:19:06
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Paddy is walking down the street when he bumps into his old mate Murphy. 'Hello there Murphy, what are ya eating there'? He asks. 'A jam doughnut' said Murphy. Paddy sees that Murphy is carrying a bag. 'What ya got in the bag Murphy?', he asks. 'More doughnuts', Murphy replied. So Paddy thinks for a minute and says to his friend 'if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?'. Murphy replies, 'well Paddy, if you can guess how many doughnuts I have in this bag, I'll give ya both of 'em'!
Paddy says '4'!! |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 09 Apr 2010 : 22:20:52
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WITH EVEN FURTHER APOLOGIES TO ANY IRISH FORUM READERS
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"
************
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair...
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
**********
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they
like it!"
**********
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your bloody plane!"
**********
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
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John
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
499 Posts |
Posted - 15 Apr 2010 : 10:18:28
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As the Irish jokes have started I thought I'd add a few.....
Paddy says to Mick " Have you seen that the price of petrol is up again"
Mick's reply... "Makes no difference at all to me Paddy. I always put twenty pounds worth in".
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Heard about the Irish kidnappers?
They sent the kid home with the ransom note !
His parents sent him back with the money.
*******************
At the Irish sheepdog trials last month 8 dogs were found guilty.
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 15 Apr 2010 : 13:00:35
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| Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!!! |
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 22 May 2010 : 12:54:32
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| Two friends are hiking in the mountains when they stumble across a grizzly bear. The bear rears up on its hind legs and roars at them, displaying all of the signs of aggression. They both know they're in real trouble. One of the men sits down calmly, takes off his hiking boots, and pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack. "What are you doing?" screams his friend. "You can't outrun a bear!" "I don't have to", he says while tying his shoes. "I just have to outrun you." |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jun 2010 : 20:38:08
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Chinese proverb say 'Man
who pushes piano down mine shaft get A flat
miner.' |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 22 Jul 2010 : 21:56:22
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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
Please enjoy and understand the following :
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
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John
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
499 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jul 2010 : 20:24:29
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Excerpts from children's essays about history (These were on the radio this afternoon).....
The Magna Carta decreed that no man could be hanged twice for the same crime.
Julius Caesar was murdered by the ides of march. As he died he said "Tee Hee Brutus".
The Emperor of China had 10 wives and 100 porcupines.
Nero terrified his enemies by playing the fiddle at them.
Homer was not written by Homer but by someone else with the same name. |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 17 Aug 2010 : 22:35:32
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CHILDREN Writing About the Ocean. .
1)this is a picture of an octopus. It has eight Testicles.
(KELLY,6)
2)If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you are incontinent.
(Alex, 7)
3) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
4)My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie,6)
5)) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are
beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but
how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
(Helen,6)
6) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at
my Mom, and my big sister just got pregnant, so I can't think
what to write.
(Amy,,6)
7) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to
live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher,7)
8) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin,6)
9) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know
(Bobby,6)
10)My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he
quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James,7)
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 08 Nov 2010 : 19:41:46
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24 Sarcastic one-liners
1. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
2. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
5. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
6. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
8. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
9. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
10. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
11. A woman's favourite position is CEO.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
15. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
16. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
17. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
18. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
21. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
22. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
23. If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
24. You're Just Jealous Because the voices are talking to me.
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 17 Nov 2010 : 13:36:34
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 19 Nov 2010 : 16:30:16
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| I cannot stand those Russian dolls...they are so full of themselves! |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 20 Nov 2010 : 12:22:58
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Subject: Tesco employee
Quick witted Scouser
A man in a London Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some stupid idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jan 2011 : 22:45:13
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Paraprosdokian Sentences
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect - eg :
*I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
*The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
*Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
*If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
*We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
*War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
*Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
*The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
*Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
*A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
*How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire
*Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
*Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
*Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
*A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
*You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
*The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
*Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
*A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip
*Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
*Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
*I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon... And a shot of tequila.
*When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
*You're never too old to learn something stupid.
*To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
*A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
*If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jan 2011 : 22:54:10
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WITH APOLOGIES TO ALL AUSTRALIAN READERS OF AVL !
What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube?
A laughing stock.
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast.
What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A waiter.
Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What's the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his
wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"
What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.
Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.
What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is
almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.
What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.
What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jan 2011 : 15:06:45
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...... AND EVEN MORE APOLOGIES 
Ring Ring.....Hello - Australian team dressing room
Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please.
Sorry mate - he's just gone out to bat
It's OK - I'll hold.
What do you call an Australian Cricketer with a hundred to his name?
A bowler
What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A fisherman
Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They don't have any openers
What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball
What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?
Retired |
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 26 Jan 2011 : 08:59:30
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Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
The west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
Did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
Graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
Smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 06 Feb 2011 : 13:23:44
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(I'm afraid I pinched this one from Valarie Martin's Findon website)
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one and directing the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in Year 4".
"No, love," he replied, "I'm up from Findon today and riding in the 2.15 p.m". |
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Karl@KCM
Senior Member
United Kingdom
169 Posts |
Posted - 17 Feb 2011 : 19:36:25
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A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation were
sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years. |
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 20 Mar 2011 : 23:09:50
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The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried |
Never judge what you don't understand. |
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 24 Mar 2011 : 12:12:28
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Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers Two
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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Never judge what you don't understand. |
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BFA
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
410 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2011 : 22:22:09
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So......
I was in the lamb the other night and a guy asked if I fancied a game of darts - "closest to the bull to start"? he said
So I went "MOOOOOO"
He went "BA-A-A--A-A-"
"You're closest" he said.
Then I went to the Co-op - Rob was stacking shelves and he said "Bet you ten quid you can't reach the meat on the top shelf"
"Hmmm - no" I said "The steaks are too high"
Then I went to St Nicholas' garden - a guy was weeding the rockery, I said "That's a big rock" he said "Boulder" I said "THAT'S A BIG ROCK"
So.... then I went in to the clothes shop, tried on a pair of shoes I said "They're too small" The assistant said "Try them with the tongue out" I said "They're thtill too thmall"
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Edited by - BFA on 02 Apr 2011 22:27:18 |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 21 Aug 2011 : 10:06:55
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WITH YET EVEN MORE APOLOGIES TO IRISH FORUM READERS !!
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished,well known
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumour - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 23 Aug 2011 : 16:21:20
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..... AND EVEN MORE APOLOGIES!!!
Paddy says to Mick, “Jeez, I’m ready for me holiday … but this year I’m going to do it a bit different.
Three years ago I went to Spain - and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary
got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”
Paddy replies, “Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We’ll lie and say we only found two."
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 23 Sep 2011 : 22:09:49
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A man was riding his motorbike along a Sussex beach when suddenly in a booming voice God said, ' because you've been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you 1 wish!'
'Build me a bridge to France' said the biker.
God replied ' Its an enormous undertaking to build over an ocean, it would use up all the steel and concrete in the world, I can do it, but its hard to justify. Is there anything else you can think of that i can do to help mankind?'
The man thought for a second, then said, 'I wish all men could understand women. I want to know what she is thinking when I get the silent treatment. What she means when she says nothing's wrong & how I can make her truly happy?!'
God replies 'You want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge?' |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 03 Oct 2011 : 09:59:07
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Final exam
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers... and the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 03 Oct 2011 : 16:20:17
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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 05 Oct 2011 : 06:12:24
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1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2011 : 10:14:43
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Little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2011 : 10:17:33
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A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2011 : 06:28:34
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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to
4-letter words:
· "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
· "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
· "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence
Darrow
· "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William
Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
· "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
· "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
· "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
· "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
· "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in
response.
· "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
· "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
· "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
· "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
· "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
· "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
· "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
· "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
· "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
· "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
· "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
· "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2011 : 06:32:38
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre musuem.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, the art thief replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
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