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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
 Posted - 12 Apr 2009 : 17:22:49
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.... |
Never judge what you don't understand. |
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jun 2009 : 13:28:27
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| A man says to his wife "your backside is as wide as our bbq. That night in bed he leans across to her and whispers "do you want to make love?" and she replies "what's the point in lighting a bbq for half a sausage"! |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 10 Jun 2009 : 21:15:26
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Yesterday I was at my local Lidl buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Lidl won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. |
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jun 2009 : 13:25:16
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Sign in Gynaecologist's waiting room:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
In a Podiatrist's waiting room:
'Time wounds all heels.'
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
On an Electrician's van:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire & take action appropriate'
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
At an Optometrist's Shop:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
Outside a Car Exhaust Centre:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
In a Vet's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
At a Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jul 2009 : 15:30:49
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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said, "Darling, 40 years ago we had a cheap flat, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 18-year old girl. Now, I have a £500,000
home, two £65,000 cars, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 58-year old woman who is not a hot bird anymore. It
seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
18-year old bird, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap flat, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis!
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 22 Jul 2009 : 18:42:40
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A man walks into an Ann Summers shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks ..........
"I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says ........
"Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop".
. . . . . His funeral is next Thursday at St Margaret's!
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joefallon
New Member
United Kingdom
4 Posts |
Posted - 22 Jul 2009 : 19:51:07
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Nice work if you can get it!
Apparently, a true story...
Outside Bristol Zoo, there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It was
manned by a very pleasant attendant with a
ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant
worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management "We'd better phone up the City
Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err no", said the Council, "That car park is your responsibility"...
"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "The attendant was employed by the
City Council......... wasn't he?"...
Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park
fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo, for the last
25 years...
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £36 million...
Nice Work........! |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 22 Jul 2009 : 23:06:51
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I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss..
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started..
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
0A
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
=0 A
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 23 Jul 2009 : 19:42:13
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GITCHA MAMA
A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old
blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, Boy.................go gitcha momma'
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 04 Aug 2009 : 14:21:21
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The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mum, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 05 Aug 2009 : 15:19:07
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A new manager arriving at his office meets the outgoing manager who tells him "I have left 3 envelopes in your desk with advice if you should meet any problems."
A few months later a problem crops up & remembering the envelopes he opens the first to read "Blame your predecessor." This he does & keeps his job.
Some months later another problem arises & opening the second envelope he reads "Reorganise." Again he follows the advice & saves his skin.
After several months a major crisis hits the firm & opening the final envelope he reads "Start preparing 3 envelopes..." |
Edited by - BRAM on 05 Aug 2009 15:20:54 |
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 09 Aug 2009 : 15:23:57
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Some political jokes:
Political cunning should never be mistaken for intelligence.
Honesty in politics is much like oxygen. The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.
During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country.
Crime is merely politics without the excuses.
Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement.
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
Nobody can fix the economy.
Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.
Nobody's perfect.
VOTE FOR NOBODY!
A little girl asked her father, 'do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time"?
The father replied, 'No, some begin with - If I am elected.'
The government is sneaky. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you drink more.
Don't vote - it only encourages them.
It's tough being a politician. Half your reputation is ruined by lies; the other half is ruined by the truth!
Redundancy: An airbag in a politician's car!
Limit politicians to 2 terms: 1 in office, 1 in jail.
The statesman shears the sheep, the politician skins them.
I think, therefore I'm not an MP. - (Member of Parliament)
Why is it that political leaders don't seem to have all the answers until they write their memoirs?
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.
Politics is the art of making it sound as if Father Christmas comes earlier in the year.
Make your M.P. work - don't re-elect him.
I think, therefore I'm not an MP.
A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.
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John
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
499 Posts |
Posted - 09 Aug 2009 : 20:35:11
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And to add to Bram's list.............
Yesterday I could not spell councillor
And today I are one !! |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 22 Aug 2009 : 06:53:09
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A BIT OF HUMOUR FROM BRAMLEY GREEN !
JUST TO PROVE WE DONT HAVE TO BE SERIOUS ALL THE TIME :
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 26 Aug 2009 : 18:20:47
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Some questions to ponder!
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 26 Aug 2009 : 21:26:47
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A BIT MORE HUMOUR FROM BRAMLEY GREEN - WE NEED IT AT THE MOMENT !!
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a
copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 27 Aug 2009 : 13:40:08
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1. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
2. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
3. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
4. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
5. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 27 Aug 2009 : 17:40:13
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What Job Ads *Really* Mean:
"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.
"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of
the real daring guys wear earrings.
"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.
"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.
"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has
been filled.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.
"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and
do it.
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 28 Aug 2009 : 00:55:19
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LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
**Addendum
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 28 Aug 2009 : 16:16:17
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Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 28 Aug 2009 : 18:06:05
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SOME SILLY HUMOUR FROM THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL VIA BRAMLEY GREEN :
Top 10 Jokes from Edinburgh Festival :
The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:
• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."
• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
• 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2009 : 16:38:39
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A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's which was £100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.
"not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."
A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.
"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?"
The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."
"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"
"Of course" says the first.
The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"
"absolutely"
"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"
"ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 30 Aug 2009 : 19:08:34
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A LITTLE HEART WARMING TALE FROM BRAMLEY GREEN
Ed and Dorothy
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was
indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf
nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a
problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off." |
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 01 Oct 2009 : 12:52:55
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 02 Oct 2009 : 20:58:09
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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition and was in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.
When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.
Anyhow she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!'
The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.
The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.' ------
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2009 : 22:21:14
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Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked. |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 18 Oct 2009 : 17:16:21
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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 21 Oct 2009 : 21:55:22
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This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one…
Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah… that one does work..
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
And last but not least…
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Feel better now???
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BFA
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
410 Posts |
Posted - 21 Oct 2009 : 22:07:12
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| It made me feel worse, I picked up quite a few tips. |
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 17 Dec 2009 : 15:28:27
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Twelve days - Revised Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work peers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed politicians this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the solicitors association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. |
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John
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
499 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jan 2010 : 07:56:21
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WOMEN DRIVERS !!!
The other morning whilst driving on the motorway I glanced over to my right and saw a woman in a brand new BMW doing 80mph with her face close her rear view mirror applying her lipstick.
I looked away for a few seconds and when I lookd back she was drifting into my lane still working on the make up.
It scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver which then knocked the ham sandwich out of my other hand. In the confusion of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel my mobile dropped from my ear and fell into the coffee between my legs which then spilt and burned my legs and disconnected a VERY IMPORTANT call. The hot coffee caused me to scream which made the cigarette fall from my mouth and burn a hole in my new shirt.
Women drivers eh....cor blimey. |
Edited by - John on 07 Jan 2010 08:01:08 |
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BFA
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
410 Posts |
Posted - 06 Feb 2010 : 22:26:14
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"The great thing about forums like this is that you can make up a quote and then totally lie about its source"
(Ghandi)
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2010 : 13:06:04
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A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice boobs.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.
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Bert
Advanced Member
484 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2010 : 17:40:57
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I havn't read the jokes for a while and I liked the one by Guiseppe in Oct re the shopper and her husband who was taken ill, it reminded me of a true story, (no joke) told to us by good friends who were the people involved, some years before.
David and Dorothy were out shopping, she unfortunately walked off the pavement, into the road without checking for traffic.
A lorry was passing and it collided with her at some speed.
The vehicle went over her legs and she was badly injured.
David looked on in astonishment. An ambulance was called, and they did as much as they could at the scene, but got her onto a stretcher and into the ambulance.
The paramedic said to David, "Are you coming with us in the ambulance or are you going to follow up in your car?"
David looked at the chap and in his normal vague manner replied,
"I won't come now,......I havn't had my lunch yet."
Strangely, they are still together. |
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BRAM
Advanced Member
373 Posts |
Posted - 13 Feb 2010 : 14:24:29
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A few jokes for Valentines day:
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine’s day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it’s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that counts.
Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here's my list - see what you think:
* Brand new mop and bucket.
I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.
* Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.
I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.
* Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box.
I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.
* Midnight moped ride through the park.
I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.
* Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favourites this -
I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.
* 45 second back massage.
I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.
* Windows 7
I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.
A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting. |
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compost
Advanced Member
265 Posts |
Posted - 13 Feb 2010 : 16:20:51
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| Got the wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day..........hoover works a treat now. |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 13 Feb 2010 : 22:40:51
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WITH APOLOGIES TO ANY IRISH FORUM READERS
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!”
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 22 Feb 2010 : 21:23:17
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A man tells his mate that he has a terrible pain in his elbow and is going to make an appointment to see the Doctor.
'Don't bother doing that', says his friend,'just take a urine sample to the new machine at Tesco and after about a minute, the machine will tell you the problem. It will only cost you a fiver and you get clubcard points too'.
'Great', the man says, 'I will give it a go'. So off the man goes to Tesco with his sample in a bottle. He puts in his fiver and places the sample in the machine. After a minute or two, the machine gives him a printout saying ' you have tennis elbow. Rest your arm for two weeks and the pain will go'.
The man is well impressed and decides to test to see if he can confuse the machine so he gets a urine sample from his wife and daughter, a stool sample from the dog and makes his own addition to the mix (if you know what I mean)!
So he goes back to the machine, puts in the mix, pays his money and waits for the response. After a couple of minutes, this was what the response was.....
1. your dog has ringworm......take him to the vets for medication.
2. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.....seek professional help for her asap.
3. Your wife is pregnant, with twins, they are not yours....get a lawyer.
4. If you don't rest that elbow, like you were told, then it will never get better! |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 23 Feb 2010 : 16:21:18
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Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten pounds and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 23 Feb 2010 : 16:49:41
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SOMEONE OUT THERE IS DEADLY AT SCRABBLE !
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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