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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
 Posted - 11 Oct 2011 : 08:42:37
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THE LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No .... ," he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible ...... !" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Rugby World and not use it ...... ?
He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married ..... ....
"Oh . . .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat .... ?"
The man shakes his head .. . .,
"No ..... . They're all at the funeral."
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2011 : 11:22:02
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The Dot
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP!
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in London has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a cheap clothes shop, a taxi, or a market stall anywhere in the UK.
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2011 : 11:24:18
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Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of
'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes,courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone
buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ....
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - FREE
It won't cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever.
So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless
EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !
Get along to the airport !
Get along to the truck park !
Get along to the ferry terminal !
Don't stop in Germany or France !
All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'
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Guiseppe
Average Member
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2011 : 22:15:45
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Subject: England Rugby
Arriving back at London Heathrow, Manu Tuilagi was asked to sum up the England World Cup performance. He replied "World Cup? . . . I thought we were on Mike Tindall's stag do." |
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BFA
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
410 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2011 : 22:24:24
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| Nikon have just launched a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth shut! |
Edited by - BFA on 11 Oct 2011 22:24:55 |
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BFA
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
410 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2011 : 22:25:44
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| Four out of three people are no good at fractions. |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 13 Oct 2011 : 05:47:24
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After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about"?
"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty".
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me"?
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why"?
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August".
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 15 Oct 2011 : 06:04:26
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The economy is so bad that:
I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Tesco won't leave the light on anymore.
... A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street".
Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!!
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 16 Oct 2011 : 06:02:41
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An American guy was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.
"A bit airy..." remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 16 Oct 2011 : 08:33:09
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Wow! It's been ages since I have looked on AVL (living in Costa del Lincolnshire now!).Loads of new jokes and funny stories to catch up on. Here's one....
Chinese proverb say..... 'man who walk sideways through airport door is surely going to Bangkok'! |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 17 Oct 2011 : 11:53:41
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said that she would like to come back as a cow..........I said you're obviously were not listening....... |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 17 Oct 2011 : 11:56:21
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| Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned Miss." |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 17 Oct 2011 : 11:58:51
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A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex. When he got home he
couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had
discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran
into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the
speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised
about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he
got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off." |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 17 Oct 2011 : 12:03:02
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Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?"
She says, "Of course, dear!" And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning--you don't." |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 17 Oct 2011 : 12:05:41
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A businessman was confused about a bill he
had received, so he asked his secretary for
some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my
earrings." |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 17 Oct 2011 : 12:16:09
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Old Friends
Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!" |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 20 Oct 2011 : 05:46:30
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Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then
he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark . |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 23 Oct 2011 : 10:25:47
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Unreliability of quotations on the Internet
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"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine." -- Abraham Lincoln |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 23 Oct 2011 : 12:13:43
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ITS NOT CHIVALRY
if you open the car door for your wife...
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and you are still doing 65mph |
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BFA
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
410 Posts |
Posted - 24 Oct 2011 : 20:38:02
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Just got back from a friend's funeral, he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service. |
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newbird
Average Member
37 Posts |
Posted - 25 Oct 2011 : 13:59:55
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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching
for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music
has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the
music. "I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 03 Nov 2011 : 09:08:53
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A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.
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I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what
I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
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Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.
Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I’m desperate.
Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.
Phil.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod
it….soldier on.
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Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”
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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked
into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a
Thai”.
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Man having sex with 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched
off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s
burning my bum”.
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You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.
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News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick
off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.
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Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor,
says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it
up!
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 03 Nov 2011 : 09:10:36
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People born before 1946 were called The Silent and powerful generation..
- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
- People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X, .
- And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y ,
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2011 : 09:21:12
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| My wife calls me her 'treasure' now. I thought that was a lovely thing to say until I found out the reason why. It's because everyone keeps asking her 'where did you dig him up from'! |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2011 : 11:36:40
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| Lol Cardodger you better hope she doesn't want to put you back!! |
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 08 Nov 2011 : 14:05:34
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 09 Nov 2011 : 16:21:26
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I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought :
"These Tasers are well worth the money"
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 09 Nov 2011 : 16:24:12
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This indeed is worrisome
Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed
the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough
beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 10 Nov 2011 : 05:52:43
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I once went into a restroom and while I was washing my hands I noticed a sign that said "THINK". So I put one beneath it that said "THOAP".
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2011 : 06:31:34
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A P McCoy was riding the favourite at Cheltenham, he was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered!!!
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2011 : 05:29:02
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Pythagoras' Theorem: ...........................................24 words.
Lord's prayer:....................................................... 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: ...........................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: ..........................................179 words.
Gettysburg address: ............................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence: .................... 1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: .........7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of CABBAGES:.....26,911 words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 15 Nov 2011 : 05:31:25
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Went down this morning to the Benefits Office, to sign on my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed,idle, can't speak English
and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country!
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