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Bert
Advanced Member
484 Posts |
 Posted - 02 Sep 2008 : 11:11:35
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Hung Chow calls into work and says,
"Hey, I no work today, I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel much better. I be at work soon....
You got nice house." |
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compost
Advanced Member
265 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2008 : 14:54:56
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Three tomatoes on a plate - which one is the cowboy........
....None, they are all redskins.
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2008 : 16:20:26
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Hung Chow calls into work and says,
"Hey, I no work today, I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel much better. I be at work soon....
You got nice house."
[(#)][(#)][(#)] Bert, that's a cracker. I will remember that one!! |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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Poppy P
Junior Member
United Kingdom
13 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2008 : 18:58:18
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A man walks into the surgery
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth"
" You don't want me, you want the psychiatrist next door."
" I know - but your light was on!" |
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Mr Angry
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
1272 Posts |
Posted - 02 Sep 2008 : 21:20:39
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Doctor doctor
Every time I break wind it goes "HONDA"
You have an abscess
How can you tell without looking?
Because ................ abscess makes the farts go honda!
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Non Impediti Ratione Cogitationis |
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uskoks
Average Member
United Kingdom
74 Posts |
Posted - 04 Sep 2008 : 21:50:34
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All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, not in July." |
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uskoks
Average Member
United Kingdom
74 Posts |
Posted - 04 Sep 2008 : 22:02:14
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Photo on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the heck is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery' |
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uskoks
Average Member
United Kingdom
74 Posts |
Posted - 04 Sep 2008 : 22:07:53
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THE MONKS
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R!
We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
"CELEBRATE !!!"
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uskoks
Average Member
United Kingdom
74 Posts |
Posted - 04 Sep 2008 : 22:12:37
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There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys! |
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uskoks
Average Member
United Kingdom
74 Posts |
Posted - 04 Sep 2008 : 22:14:26
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JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab....................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.' |
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 06 Sep 2008 : 07:34:02
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She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken".
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 09 Sep 2008 : 07:59:06
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!
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Edited by - Pansy on 09 Sep 2008 08:00:10 |
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 13 Sep 2008 : 10:08:16
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ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU..............
A Spanish teacher was explaining in her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
Designated as either masculine or feminine. For instance, 'house' is feminine - 'la Casa'. 'Pencil', however, is masculine: 'el lapiz'.
A student asked, 'What gender is a computer '? Instead of giving an answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender - 'la computadora', because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine gender -
('el computador') because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 15 Sep 2008 : 16:33:23
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ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU..............
A Spanish teacher was explaining in her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
Designated as either masculine or feminine. For instance, 'house' is feminine - 'la Casa'. 'Pencil', however, is masculine: 'el lapiz'.
A student asked, 'What gender is a computer '? Instead of giving an answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender - 'la computadora', because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine gender -
('el computador') because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The men won!
[;^)][;^)] |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 11:19:37
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK T H A T OLD.'
WELL...
MY NAME IS JENNIFER GRAND, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH
BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS 40YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1967.' WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
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Voice of Reason
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
521 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 13:35:42
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Q: What’s the definition of an “optimist”?
A: A Stockbroker who irons 5 shirts for next weeks work!
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Edited by - Voice of Reason on 10 Oct 2008 13:36:33 |
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compost
Advanced Member
265 Posts |
Posted - 12 Oct 2008 : 15:36:44
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Just a few questions, (Not all politically correct)
How can you have a self-help group?
Do blind people go on deaf dates!!
If moths are attracted by light - why don't they come out during the day?
At AA meetings, why is the first thing you have to do is give your name? |
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Voice of Reason
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
521 Posts |
Posted - 13 Oct 2008 : 12:57:30
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Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and
the run on Northern Rock in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan .
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja
Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Also it was reported that the Central Bank of Jamaica says, "why the hell doesnt every one chill out" and the Central Bank of Bermuda were unhappy at a ban on shorts.
Lastly BOBB (Bank of Big Brother) pleads with Government for a rise in interest rates..
VoR
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Tel
Average Member
United Kingdom
77 Posts |
Posted - 17 Oct 2008 : 12:01:33
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Man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He goes up to the barman and says "Do you sell fishcakes"
NO said the barman
Oh thats a pity it's his birthday! |
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 19 Oct 2008 : 18:00:15
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| A man drives up the road but doesn't realise that the car in front is slowing down. He slams on the brakes but it's too late and he crashes into the car in front. He just sits there in shock as the driver of the car in front gets out. The guy is a dwarf and storms up to the shocked driver and shouts " I'm not ******* happy" and the driver replies "really? so which one are you then??"!!!!!! |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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John
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
499 Posts |
Posted - 20 Oct 2008 : 13:19:32
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What's the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms??
Answer:
One's a Goodyear
The other is a fabulous year |
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beernard
Average Member
United Kingdom
99 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2008 : 08:15:51
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Farmer comes home from the pub drunk.
He goes up stairs and goes into the bedroom where his wife is asleep. She wakes up and sees him standing there with a sheep under his arm. The farmer says, "here is the pig i have been sleeping with" and his wife replys "but thats a sheep" and the farmer says " i was talking to the sheep!!" |
BB |
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beernard
Average Member
United Kingdom
99 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2008 : 23:25:35
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The definition of stupidity!
A man comes home from the pub drunk and smelling of perfume with lipstick all over his face.
He jumps into bed with his wife and slaps her on the arse and says "your next fatty"!![88] |
BB |
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 17 Nov 2008 : 19:12:04
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What's the difference between CJD and PMT?
One of them is mad cow's disease.........
and the other one has something to do with cattle!!!
(if the wife reads this i'm history!)[:-(] |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
Edited by - cardodger on 17 Nov 2008 19:13:38 |
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 19 Nov 2008 : 11:49:36
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the young vicar came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter.'
[:x)]
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beernard
Average Member
United Kingdom
99 Posts |
Posted - 22 Nov 2008 : 12:17:31
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| Women all over america have shaved their pubic region in support of the new president. The message to world is "read our lips, no more bush"!!!![88][88][88][88][88] |
BB |
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beernard
Average Member
United Kingdom
99 Posts |
Posted - 22 Nov 2008 : 12:24:34
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| French doctors says"in my country we can take a hart out of one patient and put it into another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks"!The German doctors says"thats nothing,we can take a kidney from one patient and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks"! The Eglish doctor says "thats nothing, We can take an a******e out of Scotland,put him in 10 downing street and have half the country looking for work with in 24 hours"!![88][88][88][88] |
BB |
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 27 Nov 2008 : 08:26:21
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A Night to Remember!
The Morning after the Office Party. Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home.
It's now 8.30am .
What day is it?
Thursday.
His wife must have gone to work.
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a little vase of flowers.
He sat up.
The bedroom was clean and tidy. There was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
"I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Gillian. x"
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night?
"Well, you came home after 4am drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?"
His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper! I'm married!'"
Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time ..... PRICELESS
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deb8
Average Member
59 Posts |
Posted - 06 Dec 2008 : 14:50:04
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Made me smile ...
Last night my Mum and I were sitting in the living room talking about the many things of life ... in between ... we talked about the idea of choice of living or dying.
I said to her 'Mum, if a situation ever comes, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive - I'd much rather die'.
Then my Mum got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me ... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the Ipod and the Xbox and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer !!  |
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Mr Angry
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
1272 Posts |
Posted - 06 Dec 2008 : 23:02:52
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Mrs Jones (Johnny Jones' Mum) answers a knock on the door and there is the lady from next door with Johnny and her daughter both aged 8 - both looking guilty.
"I've just caught these two playing doctors & nurses" she said.
"Aaaaw, bless," said Mrs Jones "weren't we all curious about sex at that age?"
"Curious about sex?" she says "HE'S REMOVED HER BLOODY APPENDIX!!!"
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Non Impediti Ratione Cogitationis |
Edited by - Mr Angry on 06 Dec 2008 23:05:08 |
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 05 Jan 2009 : 10:45:45
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The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
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John
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
499 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jan 2009 : 11:53:08
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Man runs into the doctors and yells " Doctor I think I'm dying"
Doctor: "Why do you think that?"
Man: Cos when I touch my foot it hurts and when I touch my knee it hurts and when I touch my stomach it hurts and when I touch my neck it hurts and when I touch my head it hurts
Doctor: "Idiot... you've broken your finger" |
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 23 Jan 2009 : 08:02:58
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Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!............
..
..
..
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 23 Jan 2009 : 13:34:49
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[(#)][88] Very good Neil!!
Man sits down at a Chinese restaurant and shouts out to the Waiter "hey you". The waiter comes over and says to the man "how you know my name?"[:x)] |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 23 Jan 2009 : 17:16:10
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Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
'Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything organised already, the flowers,
the church, the cards, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continued Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure deed smart in that!"
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white....." |
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cardodger
Senior Member
United Kingdom
151 Posts |
Posted - 15 Feb 2009 : 19:47:26
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Two Nuns in the shower and one says to the other "where's the soap?" and the other Nun replies " yes it does, doesn't it!" |
My glass is always half full....never half empty....what about you?? |
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John
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
499 Posts |
Posted - 20 Feb 2009 : 19:26:09
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A guy is driving home when he suddenly remembers that it's his daughters 5th birthday.
So he pulls over and runs into the local toy shop.
He asks the assistant "How much are those Barbie dolls you have in the window"
"Well Sir" says the assistant... "Beach Barbie is £19.95, Skating Barbie is £19.95, Shopping Barbie is £19.95, Disco Barbie is £19.95, Ballerina Barbie is £19.95 and Divorced Barbie is £265.95".
"WHAT"? yells the guy.... "How come Divorced Barbie is so expensive"?
The assistant rolls her eyes and says..
"Sir, you have to remember that Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's villa in Marbella and Ken's furniture !!!!
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 04 Apr 2009 : 12:33:53
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Are you on Angmering Framing & Stitches Newsletter Distribution List? If not, pop into the shop and ask to be included. The periodic Newsletter is eagerly awaited by recipients, not only because of the information it contains about the many new items they stock and the services available, but the entertaining banter and jokes that are interspersed among all of this. The March Newsletter contains some particularly good jokes/anecdotes. I hope that Patty and John will not mind me pulling one or two out. Here is one:
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''
The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''
Here is another:
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch. |
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BFA
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
410 Posts |
Posted - 04 Apr 2009 : 19:56:14
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quote:
Originally posted by neil
I hope that Patty and John will not mind me pulling one or two out.
Not at all Neil,
Here's one that I didn't have room for ....
Barack Obama is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain O the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
The President is even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awasae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit!"
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Lulu
Advanced Member
337 Posts |
Posted - 05 Apr 2009 : 16:38:51
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Hahahahahaha!!!!! |
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