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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
 Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 06:13:05
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I was walking down the road and saw my Arab neighbour Abdul standing on his 5th floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him "Whats the matter Abdul? Wont it start?" |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 06:14:34
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| Getting married is like getting to a hot bath....after you get used to it, it aint so hot!! |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 06:15:35
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| I'm not attracted by a womans mind ....but what she doesn't mind |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 06:16:51
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| There are only two four letter words that are offensive to me...don't and stop...unless they are used together |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 06:17:53
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A tight dress is like a barbed wire fence
It protects the premises without obstructing the view |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 11:37:06
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| Two men were discussing sex, marriage & family values when one told the other, " I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you ? " " I'm not sure, " the man replied. " What was her maiden name? " |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 11:39:36
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| One evening a woman & her husband were sitting on their front porch enjoying a bottle of wine together when the woman said , " I love you . " Surprised , her husband said , " Is that you or the wine talking ? " " It's me , " she replied , " talking to the wine . " :p |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 11:50:45
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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he
arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had
forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I
forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a
pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too
loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair.
Try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting
was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Can I have your business card? I've been looking for a good dentist, like you."
The man replied, "Good dentist like me?..I'm not a dentist. I'm a mortician!!!"
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 11:52:16
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The new Pope issued a Papal proclamation:
From this day forth, he who farts in church must sit in his own pew!!! |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 11:54:15
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh..
immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 18 Nov 2011 : 11:56:46
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Some Doctor, Doctor jokes:
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then
Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other
days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible
Who said that?
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of
film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil 'till I get there |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 Nov 2011 : 06:32:57
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Royal Query
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Metal, Wood, Stone
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her..
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached.. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand..
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed.. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking?? |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 Nov 2011 : 13:22:04
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A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Bloomininell" (moderated by poster).
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon .
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut..
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 Nov 2011 : 15:10:14
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I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months. Well, I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and drinks with some friends. Well, after having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was totally wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 Nov 2011 : 15:16:18
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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The! second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation! - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 Nov 2011 : 15:19:48
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The three bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE ******* PORRIDGE YET!!!' |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 Nov 2011 : 15:23:58
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't wan t to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a
busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic
and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the
traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb founded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his bottom cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and bega n putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 21 Nov 2011 : 15:26:42
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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first |
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neil
Forum Owner / Moderator
United Kingdom
2623 Posts |
Posted - 21 Nov 2011 : 19:06:44
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Ha ha. Love it  Surely that can't offend any of you little possums out there! |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 22 Nov 2011 : 05:57:33
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A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 22 Nov 2011 : 05:58:48
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 22 Nov 2011 : 06:07:02
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When the MINISTER agrees to marry the young couple in his church, he stipulates that they remain abstinent during their engagement.
A week before the wedding he asks, "Have you been chaste?"
"I'm afraid not, Reverend," the groom to be answers.
"What happened?"
"My fiancee dropped a box of light bulbs. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and we lost all control."
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but I can't marry you in this church."
"That's what I figured,"the young man sighs. "We're not welcome at B & Q anymore either." |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 22 Nov 2011 : 14:36:29
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Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said Yes
11% said
No
72%
said "I am not understanding question please"
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 22 Nov 2011 : 14:38:24
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| a neutron walks up to the bar and asks the bartender how much for a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "for you? no charge |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 22 Nov 2011 : 14:39:59
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Heard this one from a guy at the bar last week.
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched A 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 Year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma Screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that You are not holding up your side of things."
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told that if I were to go out and find a hot 25 Year old blond (to relive the old days), she would make sure that once again I'd be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed .... |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 22 Nov 2011 : 14:42:11
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| Come on folks you can add as well |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 23 Nov 2011 : 05:55:26
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QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
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compost
Advanced Member
265 Posts |
Posted - 23 Nov 2011 : 08:20:40
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| Roosterbri - Think you may need to get out a bit more. Not offended by any joke there, so was a bit disappionted. Keep them coming. By the way have you heard about the new Condom made by stealth - they wont see you coming........ |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 23 Nov 2011 : 08:29:32
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---How to get into Heaven from Scotland
(As related by a lady Sunday School Teacher)
I was testing the children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of 'getting into Heaven'.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was a resounding "No!"
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, they all answered "No!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into Heaven?"
A six year old Johny boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be *******' dead" |
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Pansy
Senior Member
United Kingdom
172 Posts |
Posted - 25 Nov 2011 : 11:09:13
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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 25 Nov 2011 : 11:55:29
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| ooops!!! |
Edited by - roosterbri on 25 Nov 2011 11:57:44 |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 25 Nov 2011 : 12:00:59
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Naughty Things You Can Only Say at Christmas.................
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
... 5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 26 Nov 2011 : 16:08:11
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 27 Nov 2011 : 15:58:50
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes ( he's 67 ).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors- green,red,orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.When the teenager had enough, she sarcastically asked: " What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life ?
"Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response:, I knew he would have a good one.
In a classic style he responded without batting an eyelid," Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid. " |
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 29 Nov 2011 : 08:49:15
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Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win the lottery.'
'What's dat?' says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut.' says Paddy
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2011 : 14:02:28
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HOW BAIL OUT WORKS!
Given that we're all probably asked questions about the situation in Europe and the wider scale at the moment, I think this summarises it all very well!!
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village , the rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the 100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works |
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Nigel
Senior Member
United Kingdom
238 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2011 : 22:31:33
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| A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." ..... The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen. |
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BFA
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
410 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2011 : 22:51:46
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Little Johnny had picked up some new words at his new school and thought he'd impress his Dad at breakfast one Saturday morning.........
"What do you want for breakfast, Johnny"?
"Oh - how about some ****ing cornflakes"?
BANG! big clip around the ear. "Get back up those stairs and don't come down until this time tomorrow"!
(Sunday Morning) "What do you want for breakfast, Johnny"?
"Er, some ****ing Rice Crispies"?
BANG! ... BANG! - big clip around each ear "Get back up those stairs and don't come down until this time tomorrow"!
(Monday morning ..... menancingly) "What do you want for breakfast, Johnny"?
"Well ...... definitely not ****ing cornflakes and you can stick your rice crispies RIGHT up your ****ing arse ..... how about some ****ing redybrek"?
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2011 : 15:50:31
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Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at About 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.
Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex too.'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 02 Dec 2011 : 06:33:00
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Teacher:
Little Johnny, it being Christmas time, can you tell me the name of the three great kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.
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roosterbri
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
553 Posts |
Posted - 05 Dec 2011 : 06:05:44
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Ten Best Caddy Responses
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"
Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . . We left that an hour ago sir."
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus . . .
An old favorite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . .
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . ?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of **** on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . .
Caddy: "No sir, its at the other end"
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More Jokes (Not for prudes..contains humour)
